bitter sweet...

two weeks ago we went to see my brother give the sermon at their church which we were invited to go see him give it. We enjoy going to see him , i always feel so proud of him when i see him up there and i can't help but think " O' Lord, i can't believe thats my brother. You have brought him so far." I am so blessed to still have my brother because the was he was before would make me think that something was going to happen to him, but lets just leave that behind and enjoy what we have now. In my brothers words, it was like he was saying someone else's story, i know i went through it but the way he said it, it just touched me. Even when he was reading what i said in my blog, it sounded like it was someone else who had written that. So when i got home later on, i read my blog and compared it to what he had read....yep...it sure was the same one.... But it sounded like " WOW" ...I just want to say thank you chuy. Thank you Jesus.

After the service we stopped to buy some flowers and went to the cemetery to visit my son. He would be 19 if he were here with us. we haven't gone to the cemetery for a while, i felt guilty when i saw his tomb stone, it seemed so lonely, so dirty what use to be white was now brown. i know that he's not there, that he's in heaven but i couldn't stop feeling guilty. i was thinking " what did i do, this is my son, how could i have left him without coming for so long?" i turned around and looked at my kids faces, i cant explained how i saw them, it just looked like the reality of death hit them. all of them started helping to dig the can where the flowers go because it was all full of mud and we couldn't find it. Martin got on his knees and started digging it out . finally we got it out and martin went to go get some water, we cleaned the stone and we placed his flowers. as i knelt down by the stone i just started telling him that i was sorry for leaving him for so long, and just telling him to share his flowers with my parents and all the loved ones we have lost. as we were leaving, we saw this young woman crying by her car. chongo was able to read her lips saying " i hate this place" and yes, i hate that place too. but as lety has told me alot of times, we will see him again. and God hates death too. i dont know, if any one of you guys feel the way i do, i just wanted to share this.